ATHENS HASH SKI OR SNOWBOARDING WEEKEND
25TH 26TH FEBRUARY 2006
MENALO, PELOPONESE, GREECE
Strawberry Foreskin writes:
27th February 2006
Dear Mr Husein
Despite your professed good intentions I regret that you failed to turn up with the money as arranged at Menalon this weekend. I thought we had everything fixed – see previous letter below.
Surely had you been there you would have seen us? Ours was the distinctive group featuring many acts of snow-board bravery: Heavy Breather’s submission to gravity disregarding any concept of control particularly comes to mind. There was Kum Kwik’s prolonged sitting on the snow waiting for passing maiden’s to help him reach his bindings. Then there were the girls who tried to snow-board and falling over once gave up almost immediately. Other Harrietes, namely Bouboulina and Gregor the Coke Dealer persisted (they said) but probably only for the purpose of whingeing at me for not being attentive enough. Pink Jenny was even more Pink than usual not that you would know this – she apparently wants to leave us with pink memories.
You might also have noticed Oxymoron standing by the side of a piste ‘waiting for the pain to go away’ but finally giving up and being stretchered down for medical help. He still made it to the bar. Amongst other star performances you surely cannot have missed Rob’s repeated attempts to master a button lift – falling off three times in quick succession and helping the impatient queue behind to grow longer and angrier. Later, in the bar Clitoria and Spanish Fly seemed to be having a "my tits are bigger than yours" competition. I’ll be the judge of that, thank you.
Perhaps you saw our ‘skiers’ being hauled up to the mountain-top cafe in a sort of sledge? (Was the bar so desperate for customers?) If so I think it was very bad mannered of you not to introduce yourself and hand over the money.
These funds were needed for the philanthropic purpose of feeding and wining the dozens of hungry hashers gathered in the taverna and again on Sunday in ordering large quantities of wine from the Palivou Winery – where we sat for the wine tasting in our ski gear (the tasting room was cold). We even had a poor girl, Anika, newly up-the-duff; what can she have been doing? Anyway you may have another chance to meet us there as we realised that we could have a similar ski weekend/wine tasting sometime in August.
In case you don’t believe all this you check the photographs at athenshash.com but don’t be misled by these into thinking we spent all out time drinking.
So Mr Hussein, I think the only way to redeem your creditability as a suitable business partner is to pay the agreed amount directly to my bank account. Failure to do this could mean that you will be mistaken for our current hash cash.
Yours in vino veritas
Dear Mr. Husein,
You must think I am a fool; either that or this is your first attempt at a scam letter. First of all, you should know that I get three to four of these things each day. Second, despite our well-earned reputation for ignorance, many Hashers are familiar enough with the kleptocratic reign of your relative, President for Life Saddam Hussein, that we remember how his name was spelt. Third, you ask me to move the paltry sum of $25 million without offering me a cut ; my Nigerian correspondents start the bidding at $50 million or more and offer me $8 to $10 million for my trouble.
Never fear, I think we can still do business, but only if you are willing to revise your proposal and meet certain additional terms. Due to the proliferation of similar proposals not only from Nigeria and the Congo but from all over Africa and the Middle East, I no longer entertain unsolicited offers to assist with monetary transfers of less than $80,000,000.00 (eighty million dollars US), of which I must receive, up front, a 50% share; i.e., no less than $40,000,000.00 (forty million dollars US). I have heard from several of President Hussein’s own sons (legitimate and otherwise), many of whom have asked my help in transferring sums far more substantial than the $25 million you mention (I won't go into the generous offers I've received from the President's various wives and concubines). I should think you and your countrymen could arrange to put a few trunk loads of "precious substances" together in order to up the ante, as it were. We in the West call it "pooling resources." When you have $80 million or more to transfer to me, and can meet my 50% share, please contact me again.
Until then, I must correct you on one assumption: I am not God fearing. Were I a God fearing man, I would reject your "something for nothing" proposal out of hand as being simply too good to be true. Fortunately for you, I'm an atheist, and a greedy one at that . . . which explains why, if only you offer me enough, I'll fall for such an obvious scam, cheerfully abandoning rational thought and common sense.
If you can get with some of President Hussein's surviving sons and scrape the $80 million together quickly, I can meet you at the Menalon Ski resort – where the Athens Hash House Harriers will have their annual ski weekend on 25th and 26th February. We will be staying at the Villa Valos hotel and will be having much food and wine each evening. If you wish to keep up the front of being religiously abstinent we will provide you with water and girls drinks and promise not to mention the weekly shipment of single malts you used to get each week in Baghdad.
I would request that you not label the trunks full of money as "precious substances," as that is likely to attract the attention of Greek customs; instead, label them "hash haberdashery items," and maybe even go so far as to repack the money in soiled shorts rather than trunks. This will greatly facilitate my ability to transfer the funds from Greece to the Cayman Islands.
Please plan to be at the Menalon Ski hash on Saturday, Feb 25th. Details are at this Internet address: www.athenshash.com. Wear old running clothing and shoes, but do not identify yourself to any of the other hashers there. Many Hash House Harriers have received offers like yours, and I do not want them trying to horn in on our deal. Instead, stay quiet until after the skiing, and when the RA calls visiting hashers to step forward, identify yourself as "no-name Ali" and chug a beer or softie as directed. That is how I will know who you are. Here is how you will be able to identify me: I'll be the good looking guy frazzled from teaching our harriets to snow-board. We can conduct our business at on-afters, and I'll be on my way.
To show you how confident I am that you'll be able to meet my terms, I have taken the liberty of identifying a profitable investment opportunity for your remaining $40 million. We have an Airline company here in Greece that will surely "energise" your nest egg, a company we fondly refer to as "F*cking Olympic Airlines." All that remains is for you to meet my terms and, as I said, we can do business.
Due to the recent ‘coup-de-hash’ where a lower ranks officer, Mr Budwanker, overthrew the establishment I must insist on certain security measures. Please do not contact me directly and use an alternate email: email@example.com
I very much look forward to meeting you and your estimable family. I can't wait to hear some insider scoop on old beardy - life under Hussein must have been a scream. Let me know when you get the money together.
Yours in vino veritas