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5th July, 2004
Venue: Melissia Cemetery area
Hares: FU Gasper, Camel F*cker, Dwarf Blower, Two Moons Rising
Scribe: Flowery Tw*t
(See below the report for Strawberry 4Skins hilarious reply to a scam letter)
A group of Hashers met on the hurricane battered slopes of Penteli in the midsummer heat...and froze their balls off with the wind-chill.
It was BBQ time but luckily Dwarf Blower and F*ck You, being environmentally of sane mind, cooked at home, so as not to risk a fire to finish off the few straggling trees holding on to Penteli.....shame it meant cold hot-dogs, but at least Two Moons Rising ensured the salad was in place by missing all the action and going shopping!
So to the Hash itself.....not much to say, not much blue...there was a pit and Wherethefugarewe insisted there had been a bungalow in the jungle.....so he must have done a detour via Harare!
The circle was its usual pigs ear and hashers used any spare clothing and blankets to hand to try and keep frostbite and hypothermia at bay. It was also conducted at high speed as the local cemetery caretaker told us he would be locking the gate in 10 minutes whether we were in or out! Oh did I forget to mention our proximity to the cemetery...at least no one knicked the flowers for the picnic table this time.
Strawberry Foreskin, who has recently finished a cultural awareness course, praised the Greek football team's fantastic ball skills and asked all the Greeks to celebrate their success with a Beer Chunder. Bookmaker wanted to be included as he was the only hasher to decorate his car with Greek flags and even stuck one down his neck which shivered in the wind with him....but he was excluded as looking too English to be involved.
Strawberry then went on to wish the Greek's similar success in their Olympic endeavours and had to bury his head in his beer to stop the maniacal laughter that accompanied his good wishes!
Beat me Up Scottie was the first Harriette to abandon the Penis Award and piss off home early....so she must have a sex slave locked in her apartment or have taken religious vows without telling us. The Penis found a welcoming home with Spanish Fly and may she take good care not to break it b4 next week.
We had a celebration of 50 runs for Can't Get Laid who got his mug late and Bursting Bladder, who had had a premature mug experience, got his badge on time......we are nothing if not unreliable!
Titty Licker finally remembered he had been carrying an unwanted pink rabbit round in his car for 3 weeks and so handed it over to Pink Jenny who nearly got a hernia stuffing it in her passenger seat. Why would anyone want to be seen driving around with a pink rabbit in the passenger seat??? But this is Pink jenny we are talking about.
That is all I remember as my brain had frozen by then so I left everyone to their cold BBQ and got out before the gate was locked and the hashers had to cuddle up under the nearest headstone for the night.
Your JM writes: There, that's the hash report over.
FT missed the meal in the centre of Melissia Amphitheatre. Good nosh, good do. As we all know (they keep reminding us), America was built on free enterprise. This has spread to many recently liberated countries and adopted particularly enthusiastically by Nigeria. How heartening therefore to see the newly liberated Iraq embracing these principles - even to the extent of copying the
1-900 scam. I get a lot of these and I would like to share with you all my latest reply:
Dear Mr. Hussain (sic), You must think I am a fool; either that or this is your first attempt at a scam letter. First of all, you should know that I get three to four of these things each day. Second, despite our well-earned reputation for ignorance, many Hashers are familiar enough with the kleptocratic reign of President-for-Life Saddam Hussein that we remember how his name was spelt. Third, you ask me to move the paltry sum of $25 million without offering me a cut . . . any Nigerian (sorry, Iraqi) worth his salt would have started the bidding at $50 million or more and offered me $8 to $10 million for my trouble.
Never fear, I think we can do business, but only if you are willing to revise your proposal and meet certain additional terms. Due to the proliferation of similar proposals not only from Iraq, Nigeria and the Congo, but from all over Africa and the Middle East, I no longer entertain unsolicited offers to assist with monetary transfers of less than $80,000,000.00 (eighty million dollars US), of which I must receive, up front, a 50% share; i.e., no less than $40,000,000.00 (forty million dollars US).
I have heard from several of President Saddam's own sons (illegitimate, deceased and otherwise), many of whom have asked my help in transferring sums far more substantial than the $25 million you mention (I won't go into the generous offers I've received from the President's various wives and concubines). I should think you and your countrymen could arrange to put a few trunk loads of "precious substances" together in order to up the ante, as it were. We in the West call it "pooling resources."
When you have $80 million or more to transfer to me, and can meet my 50% share, please contact me again. Until then, I must correct you on one assumption: I am not God fearing. Were I a God fearing man, I would reject your "something for nothing" proposal out of hand as being simply too good to be true, and if true then immoral. Fortunately for you, I'm an atheist, and a greedy one at that . . . which explains why, if only you offer me enough, I'll fall for such an obvious scam, cheerfully abandoning rational thought and common sense.
If you can get with some of President Saddam's surviving relatives and scrape the $80 million together quickly, I can meet you at the Cardiff Interhash on Saturday the 24th July. I'll need round trip airfare from Athens to Cardiff, and a rental car (and not one of those shitty Toyotas - I'm thinking BMW 7-series, or a Jag). Hey, to show you I can wheel and deal with the best of them, I'll stump-up my own hash registration fee out of the $40 million you're planning to hand me on the 24th . . . shit, I'll buy your rego too!
I would request that you not label the trunks full of money as "precious substances," as that is likely to attract the attention of UK customs; instead, I would label them "hash haberdashery items," and I would even go so far as to repack the money in soiled gym bags rather than trunks. This will greatly facilitate my ability to transfer the funds from UK to the Cayman Islands.
Please plan to be at the Millennium Stadium hash on Saturday, June 24th. Details are at this Internet address: www.hasher.net/ih2004.htm. Sign on for the 'ball breaker' run. Wear old running clothing and shoes, but do not identify yourself to any of the hashers there. Many Hash House Harriers have received offers like yours, and I do not want them trying to smootch-in on our deal. Instead, stay quiet until after the run, and when the grand master calls visiting hashers to step forward, identify yourself as "Scam Boy" and chug a beer as directed. That is how I will know who you are. Here is how you will be able to identify me: I'll be the white guy wearing the hashing T-shirt. We can conduct our business at on-afters, and I'll be on my way.
To show you how confident I am that you'll be able to meet my terms, I have taken the liberty of pre-identifying a profitable investment opportunity for your remaining $40 million, and locating a suitable house for you and your family. For a mere one Euro you can buy your own airline, Olympic Airways. Sure, it comes with a few debts and an un-sackable large work force but with your 40 million, your business ethics and 'forceful' connections I am sure you could reduce this pretty quickly and turn a profit sometime this millennium.
As for a house, I cannot see a family as important as yours in anything less than a Comfyhome doublewide trailer, and I've confirmed the availability of a suitable lot conveniently under the new highway bridge at Stavros in Athens. All that remains is for you to meet my terms and, as I said, we can do business. Due to the recent departure to an Island hermitage of my spiritual councillor, Mr Playboy 2 (I feel reluctant to undertake new spiritual guidance as this would involve walking over hot coals), and so as to preserve my inner kharma (the Feng Shue of my soul - so to speak) I am reluctant to use my own e-mail address. Therefore I must ask you to respond to me through a third party, a man I know to be utterly discreet, professional, and reliable:
Mr Dai Harvey
c/o Her Majesty's Pleasure
Manchester (next to Boddington's brewery)
If you must communicate with me by post, please use this address and number:
c/o Anthoposophical Society
Number One, Kiffissias Ave. (next to The Beer Academy bar and grill)
I very much look forward to meeting you and your estimable family. I can't wait to hear some insider scoop on old Beardy - life under Saddam must have been a riot! Let me know when you get the money together.